Little Eyes and Mommy Exhaustion

We are exhausted. After 9.5 hours of labor yesterday, which suddenly ended with no progress but thankfully, still a healthy baby in my belly, we are exhausted in so many ways... (by, "we", I mean, the hubs and I....he dealt with lots of hand squeezes and requests from this uncomfortable momma...)

Which made today more difficult. We had to unexpectedly leave our little guy with my mom overnight - much longer than he expected...so, he was understandably clingy today. And extra "2 years old" today, if you know what I mean. ;)

Amidst the screaming because he wanted a "different cart" at the market...the tears because we wouldn't let him play outside in the thunderstorm....the drama because I only had one sucker in my purse...and the outrage about our refusal to feed him gummies and cookies at his demand, I learned something. Not only are little eyes watching our every move, but little ears are hearing our tone of voice and the side comments we make on frustrating days.

I must say, aside from the drama, this guy was a sweet little BLAST today. He kept us laughing most of the day!

I noticed when our little man repeated, "WHAT?!" after one of us responded to the other in that way. I noticed whenever his little stress level in the market rose along with mine at the fact that there were TWO REGISTERS open in the entire store!!!! (I'm over it now, though ;) ). In case you're curious, we ended up being one of "those families" who loaded up their entire cart onto a self-checkout lane... ;)

We stop ourselves from saying words like, "dumb", "stupid", "butt" ....you know, those bad words that would sound too awful coming from a sweet toddler mouth....:)

But we're not so great at stopping ourselves from using irritated tones and making side comments on exhausting days such as these.

I can't exactly pursue a God-honoring home whenever my tone and speech become sour during difficult circumstances. I can give myself grace to mess up and pray that God will clean up the messes I make (because I am human, and I WILL make mistakes). God's grace is sufficient and His mercies are new EVERY morning...including those mornings that begin WAY too early - He knows. He chose us to be mommies and daddies to these babies - and HE never makes mistakes. :)

As mommies (and daddies), we have a constant audience. Even if our audience is taller than us and awkwardly lanky... ;)  I need to remember this...some days more than other days...but I need to remember that I'm teaching with my every action...word...eye roll...etc.

I learned today that no matter my circumstances, no matter my frustrations, little eyes and ears are on me to learn how to react....and more importantly, how to reflect God to the world in our everyday actions. A terrifying task, but a blessing that God saw fit to choose me for this job, and yet promises to hold my hand EVERY STEP of the way. Praise Him.

Mercy. Grace.

"Help me trust in You at all times; 

help me to pour out my heart to You, God, 

for You are my refuge." 

Psalm 62:8

I'm taking a leap, here, with this post. This isn't a crafty/cooking/photo/fun post. This post is coming from my heart. I want to be real. Real in my faith.  (It's also really long.....)
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My little family has recently suffered a loss. A loss that may seem so small to some, but to those who believe as we believe, a loss so great that it's changed our family.

On Easter, I surprised Josh with a card that read, "For Easter, I made you a bunny. You must be special because I don't do that for just anyone." I signed it, "Due: December 2013." The video I have of Josh's reaction to the card is priceless - he didn't know what to think, but once he realized that he was going to be a Daddy for the 2nd time, he was elated. It was still early, but the 4 tests I had taken were all positive.

On May 13th, we lost the baby. I had been pregnant for almost 12 weeks, but it was an emotional 12 weeks. I was told from the beginning that my levels were low and I was put on medication. I was monitored and tested every week to track the baby's progress. One week we were told there was no baby. The next week, we saw a fetal pole. The next week, nothing. The next week, a heartbeat and a baby. The next week, no heartbeat. Then, my levels began to drop dramatically, and I was told to expect a miscarriage.

I feel like I was floating through the months of April and May - not knowing what to feel from one moment to the next. I have grieved, been angry, questioned God, had faith, rejoiced, and stood numb and speechless.

In times like these, I can understand how people lose faith in God. I can understand why they question how God can love us if He allows certain things to happen and doesn't stop other things. Why would good, loving women who want babies be unable to have them while unfit women who don't want/won't care for them are able to have multiple babies?? I will admit, I question God on this, and I still am questioning Him. I trust Him, but I don't understand it.

But, you know what? As much as a question, I'll never understand. His ways aren't my ways. His ways are better than my ways - even if they don't seem like it at the time. He won't spare anything to save me - not even His own Son, so I know He has my greater good in mind.

In the midst of all of this, I prayed for many things - miracles, a heartbeat, a baby...mercy, grace... I did receive 2 of these things. Mercy. Grace.

Mercy
My miscarriage happened quickly and completely. I prayed for mercy through it. I decided to miscarry naturally because I didn't want to take this baby from my body and always wonder "what if." In the end, I'm glad I did. It was healing for me to experience it. It provided closure to the past 2 months of upheaval.
God gave me mercy in that it happened quickly and completely. It happened when I was out of town and surrounded by family. He knew where I needed to be.

Grace
I am so overwhelmed with thanks that He allowed me to experience being a mommy for a 2nd time, even if just for a little while. I loved the experience again. Everyday, I realize the grace He showered on me by choosing me to be Samuel's mommy. I will forever be thankful for him.
He showed me grace by answering my prayers for mercy even when I was angry with Him and questioning His ways. I am deserving of nothing, but God showers me everyday with his presence, His promises, and the love of my family. He tells us that He is near to the brokenhearted. I claimed that promise, and in His grace, He allowed me to feel Him near. He's healing me. He's replacing my anger with His joy.

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Everyday is new. I'm still mourning my baby. Each day gets easier, but I'm finding my mind focusing on Heaven - wondering if my other loved ones are enjoying my baby there...asking God to give my baby extra hugs...and wondering when I meet that baby, if he or she will still be a baby...
A lot of questions flood my mind at quiet times. Luckily these faces keep me busy and remind me of all the AMAZING things I DO have in my life. They make me get up every morning and relish in little boy snuggles and his new-found attachment to "Momma":

I opened my devotions the other day for the first time since all of this happened. I had a horrible day, crying out to God and asking why He hadn't heard me through it all, and why He wasn't listening to me. Afterward, I felt horrible for being upset with Him. My devotions were from Psalm 62:8.

"You will never be offended when I pour out the earnest despair and bitterness that wells in my heart. You desire for me to cry out in my agony, and You can take my feelings of anger, dismay, and confusion. In pouring out my heart to You, I rid myself of soul-cancerous bitterness. I also make room for You to pour in Your healing." (Beth Moore, Praying God's Word Day by Day, June 1)

God is alive and active. His Word is alive and active and meeting our needs.

I was floored when I read this. He knew. He knew long before these events that I would need this on June 1, 2013. Amazing. Praise You, Father.

Grace

I have to admit I've been somewhat selfish lately. Somewhat self-absorbed.

Three weeks ago I went into pre-term labor at 25 weeks into my pregnancy.
I had no idea I was having contractions - go figure! :) - but went to the hospital with severe pain and humored the nurse as she told me I was, in fact, having contractions.

The thing is, this pain had been happening for a week or so. It had only gotten worse while on a road trip that weekend for our first baby shower. I prayed for it to stop and for everything to "be okay."

After hearing this news from the nurse, my husband and I were scared. While in the hospital, I prayed for the pain and contractions to stop. I prayed for labor to stop. I prayed the medicine wouldn't make me horribly sick just as the nurse had warned me it would. I prayed to be released the following day. After spending a day longer than I had hoped in the hospital, I was sent home on bed-rest.

I am still having contractions on occasion and am dealing with pain. I never knew bed-rest could be so taxing on a person - emotionally, spiritually, and physically. My husband and I pray for the pain and contractions to stop. I secretly (well, it's no secret now! :) ) pray that I will eventually be taken off bed-rest before our little man is born.

The thing was, none of these prayers were being answered in the way I had hoped. The medicine made me horribly sick, I'm still having contractions, I'm still in pain, and I'm still on bed-rest. I would be lying to say that I wasn't growing frustrated with God.

Today was one of those days when I was especially frustrated. In my boredom and sour mood, I purchased the new Shane & Shane album in hopes of cheering myself up - God definitely had a change in my mood in His plans! The following lyrics caught me by surprise and brought me to my face in front of God:

"What are you gonna do when the doctor comes into the room, puts his hand on you and says, 'I'm sorry'?
What are you gonna say to God when all you do is pray to God to take the thorn away
And all you hear Him say is,
'My Grace, my Grace, my Grace is sufficient, my Grace is sufficient..."

How did I feel after hearing this? Utterly selfish and immature. I had completely forgotten that He hears me ALWAYS - it's not that He wasn't answering my prayers - He is answering my prayers, but just through a means that will make me a better person in the end.

I say none of this for pity or sympathy (I know it'll all be worth it in the end when we have a healthy baby boy), but to share the lyrics of this beautiful song and refresh your faith that regardless of what you're facing, regardless of your situation, He hears the prayers of His children and ALWAYS answers them in a way to make us better versions of ourselves. We may not understand - most of the time, we won't, but eventually, He'll let us see His beautiful plan and how it worked out so much better than we ever could have planned or imagined on our own.

May I never forget this.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart." - Jeremiah 29:11-13